To My Many Adoring Fans and Admirers,
It is with a mix of bemusement and a touch of irony that I announce the acquisition of The Pretentious Hipsters Weekly by none other than Midwest Coast. Yes, you read that correctly. The Midwest. A place known primarily for its unbridled enthusiasm for casseroles, football, and, I presume, an overabundance of plaid.
It seems that my humble yet infinitely superior publication has been deemed worthy of merging with the sprawling Midwestern media juggernaut. Some might say we’ve been "rescued" or “absorbed,” but I prefer to think of it as a hostile cultural takeover—a chance to infuse the Midwest with some much-needed nuance, and an appreciation for things far too avant-garde for those who live within spitting distance of a cornfield.
What this means for my discerning readers—who doubtless follow my reviews with religious fervor—is that I shall continue to grace you with my trenchant insights, scathing critiques, and, of course, my occasional existential musings. The Midwest Coast overlords assure me that I will be free to carry on my work in the overly humble analyses presenting my carefully constructed opinions with full creative freedom and expression. Oh, the joy I feel knowing I’ll soon be writing under the auspices of an entity that probably finds endless fascination in things like strip malls and the State Fair.
To my dedicated followers, I say, fear not. I shall continue to illuminate the obscure and reject the mainstream with the same fervor you’ve come to expect. I might even manage to make this new “Midwest” publication more than just a vapid parade of wheat-themed recipes and heartfelt odes to pickup trucks. Imagine: they might even come to appreciate the finer points of East Berlin’s 1980s avant-garde textile movement or the musical intricacies of Latvian drone-jazz.
So, prepare yourselves for the same Nigel P. Snodgrass—but with a slightly different masthead. I shall continue to grace you with reviews of the most obscure, impenetrable films, music, and art that the unwashed masses will never comprehend. And if Midwest Coast doesn’t appreciate my contributions, well, then I shall make sure they rue the day they thought they could tame me.
Yours in perpetual cultural enlightenment,
Nigel P. Snodgrass
Senior Connoisseur of the Marginally Relevant, Now Unwillingly Midwest-Aligned
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